My Life-The Missing Pieces.

You know that feeling that you get when you miss someone?  It is like a mixture of sadness and loneliness.  That is what losing a baby feels like to me.  Like something is missing.  A part of my heart is gone and I will never have it back.

A few short weeks ago I was pregnant with twins.  A boy and a girl.  My husband and I named them Zechariah Scott and Melani Morgan.  We felt like the luckiest people alive to be expecting twins.  Better yet, a boy and a girl!  Life couldn’t get better.

And then we lost our little boy.  Such a sad day.  For a moment, I felt like life wasn’t worth living.  How much more could we lose?  Was losing a set of twins back in December not enough?  Was that pain not enough?  Why do we have to go through another loss in such a short amount of time?

I don’t know the answers to those questions but I know the Person who does.  God knows why these things happen.  He knows why they had to happen this way.  What do I know?  I know that I trust a loving God who doesn’t want me to hurt.  I know a God who hurts because I hurt.  I don’t have answers to those questions and I don’t need them.  All I need is to trust that this is part of a greater plan, that one day, God may use me or this situation to help someone else.

Trusting God doesn’t mean that the hurt is gone. Because it isn’t.  It is knowing that His plan is the best plan.  There is also peace in knowing that one day I will see my sweet babies in heaven.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalms 34:18 NLT

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Needless Worry

Did you know that the most frequent command or teaching in the New Testament is not to worry?  I know, I would’ve thought it was to be holy or to love each other, but it isn’t.  God wants us to have no fear or anxieties about anything.  We may think that Jesus is just trying to comfort us and alleviate our worries, but He is actually commanding us to not worry because worry is a lack of faith and trust in God.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on it.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap not gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life”- Matthew 6:25-27 (NKJV)

Here Jesus is not merely trying to calm our fears or anxieties but He is telling us that we do not need to be anxious about our life because our Heavenly Father knows what we need.  He knows what we need better than we do.

I started bleeding.  It was scary.  No pregnant woman sees blood without the cold, heavy cloud of fear settling over her.  The doctor wanted me to come in to make sure I wasn’t miscarrying my miracles.  When they checked on the babies, they found that Baby A was lying on Baby B’s cord and causing poor Baby B some distress.  The doctor was able to move Baby A so that sweet Baby B could “breath” again.  How would we have known about it if it weren’t for the bleeding? We wouldn’t have.  I am three people right now, and God knows what all three of us need.  The bleeding was unrelated to the fetal distress.  The thing that was a cause for fear and anxiety was God’s way of protecting my babies.  He knew what we needed.

When Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25 not to be anxious He has a good reason for it.  He knows that the direction of our gaze is important.  It is no accident that a few verses later he says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33 ESV).  Jesus knows we are human and frail and that our natural tendencies are too see things with our eyes and not the eyes of faith.  He knows that we will keep needing to learn this lesson, so that is why the most frequent command that He gives us is to not worry, be concerned, or anxious about anything!

I know the statistics.  I know that my twins are the most fragile kind.  There is nothing between them to protect them from one another.  Jesus doesn’t give me a pass on His command.  He doesn’t say not to worry unless you have a good reason.  He reaches out His hand and tells me to trust Him.  Trust Him to keep them safe.  Trust Him to do what is best for me.  Trust Him to provide the things we need to accommodate our suddenly growing family.  My job is to keep my eyes on Him, not to solve the world’s problems, not even to solve my own problems.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God.”-Philippians 4:6 (ESV)

Paul urges us to let our requests be known to God through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving.  We thank Him before He even answers, because we know He will.  People that don’t know Him have to live in fear.  We do not need to worry because we can simply let God know our needs.  God does not want us wringing our hands with worry over things in this life.  Anxiety is a waste of time, we have a true tool, a powerful solution: we can go to the throne and simply ask Him to take care of us.  “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken” (Psalm 55:22 NIV).  “An anxious heart weighs a man down” (Proverbs 12:25).  It is weight that we were never meant to carry, a load that we cannot handle.  We tend to worry about things we cannot change and things about the future that may never happen.  I am living in a place where I can be buried under worry or I can fix my eyes on Jesus and just keep walking.  Let’s be brave together, why not join me and “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7)?

12 weeks and 2 days….my MoMo twins!!!

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and an ultrasound.  My doctor was able to see my babies and was able to identify their genders.  This was very exciting.  Every time that I have been pregnant I have always had an idea of what I wanted and EVERY TIME I was wrong.  This was the first time that I knew that whatever God had given us I was going to be happy with.  And sure enough, I am ecstatic!!  I can’t wait to see their beautiful faces and cuddle my little angels.

The doctor also confirmed that in little less than 12 weeks I will be leaving my house and be admitted to the hospital.  My new home will be a lonely room on the 8th floor of UVA Hospital for 8 weeks.  2 long months of bed rest and monitoring.  There is both relief and sadness in this.  Relief because I will know that my unborn babies will be under strict surveillance.  Their heart rates and the blood flow through their cords will be monitored so that if there is any problem they will have the best possible chance of getting out ASAP.  Sadness because I will be leaving my home.  Leaving my children and my husband.  I will go inpatient on Daniel’s 5th birthday.  My little boy will be 5!!!  That is such an important number and I won’t be able to enjoy that special day with him.  This saddens me and breaks my heart.  Ashleigh will have just turned 1 a month before.  She is in such an amazing time of life.  Learning new things.  Her little brain is like a sponge.  It picks up so much and can easily forget.  I am afraid that she will forget me and I can already imagine her not wanting me to hug and hold her when we see each other again. I will miss my husband.  Sitting on the couch and watching T.V. together, how h plays and teases me while I am finishing up dinner, laughing together at something funny that our kids have done.  I will miss all of this and it breaks my heart.

But…I know that this too will be okay.  I know that whatever happens I am in God’s hands. He will protect my heart and comfort me.

We will celebrate Daniel’s 5th birthday a week early.  We will let him tell the world that he is 5 a whole 7 days early and we will have hotdogs, hamburgers, chips, soda, and cupcakes. Kim, Dave, Bryanna, Joey, Yaya, and Marissa will come over and will have an amazing time together 7 days before I go inpatient.  Ashleigh probably won’t forget me, that is most likely the hormones talking.  Fil will bring them to the hospital to see me at least once a week.  I am sure that she will be confused but 8 weeks in her whole life time will not scar her.  She will be ok and I will be ok.

We will survive this because God is the creator and He gave us this.

Isaiah 41:10 says ” So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”.  This verse gives me much comfort when I start to fear the future.

Where to begin…

The journey my husband and I have been on has been a rather interesting one, to say the least.  This journey began 5 weeks ago.  My period was late.  Over a week late.  I bought a pregnancy test even though I knew there was no way I was pregnant.  I mean, I had my tubes tied 9 months ago!  To our surprise the test came back positive.  I immediately called the doctor because I was worried about the chances of this being an ectopic pregnancy.  She had me go in immediately to have blood drawn to confirm whether or not I was actually pregnant, and I was.  She then scheduled me to have an ultrasound the next day.  Waiting to find out whether this baby had miraculously made it to my uterus made for an extremely long night.  Finally the moment came and the ultrasound tech started my ultrasound.  I was so nervous I almost didn’t want to look, but I did.  And the first thing I saw was two teeny tiny flashing heart beats.  I almost couldn’t believe what I was seeing and then the tech confirmed it. TWINS!!!!  And they were right where they needed to be. She said she was pretty sure they were identical twins because she could only see one sac.  They scheduled me to see my doctor and scheduled another ultrasound for the following week.

I was so shocked!!  I didn’t even know what to think.  I called my husband to tell him the news and then called my sister to tell her the news.  I wasn’t even sure what to do with myself.

The next ultrasound came and I was so excited and happy when I saw those beautiful little heart beats.  The tech was looking around and getting measurements when she got a strange look on her face and said she would be back that she needed to get the doctor in charge.  They both came back in and started looking and the man said that it looked like I was having a very rare type of twins called monoamniotic monochorionic twins.  These types of twins share the same sac, placenta, and inner membrane.  They make up about 1% off all twins.  He said that he needed to get in touch with my doctor right away because he was sure that I would need to see a specialist.  Sure enough I did and he is a great doctor.  I really like him.  He is very much to the point and honest and I feel like I needed that.  He said that these type of twins are at a great risk of health complications due to umbilical cords being so close in proximity inside the one amniotic sac.  It is easy for the umbilical cords to become tangled or compressed therefore cutting off the nutrients and food supply necessary for survival.  The survival rate for MoMo twins is approximately 50%.  By going in-patient it improves our odds significantly as they will be monitored several times a day.  The only way to “fix” these problems with the cords is to take them.  So, we already know that we will have our babies early.  Our goal is to get to 32 weeks!

Meet my babies!! This is the latest picture. ❤ ❤

Ashleigh Madrid Hernandez

This is my baby girl, Ashleigh Madrid Hernandez! 

Isn’t she beautiful?!? 

It’s a girl.

We were hoping for a boy and we were both a little sad to find out that it isn’t a boy.  I had to get over the fact that this little thing that keeps kicking me in the ribs is a she and not a he.  It was kind of hard because all of my thoughts around her were directed towards a him.  But all of the sudden, through all of the tears, I fell madly in love with HER.  She means the world to me and now I can’t even imagine a him.  I know that she is exactly what out family needs.

Not to mention, I LOVE the name Ashleigh Madrid.  It’s perfect!!! 

It’s a………………………BABY!!!!

Finally!!  The news we have all been waiting for!  I had my ultrasound today and found out the sex of the baby.  I was almost surprised to find out that it is, indeed, a baby.  I had started to think that I was cooking a monkey in there.  It feels like it is hanging from my ribs by it’s tail!

I got lots of news today. Some of it was great, some of it was a little scary, and a lot of it was just surprising.

I am 23 weeks and 4 days today so most of the ultrasound was really clear.  I got to see hands, feet, legs, arms, an amazing brain, a beating heart, and other things.  I know this isn’t the first ultrasound that I have ever seen but it was still so very special to me.  I love to feel the baby move and see it happen on screen at the same time.

With all of the amazing things that I saw today, I also saw the placenta.  To me it just looked like a big black oddly shaped thing that was just there.  To the doctors it looked like something much more different and interesting.  The ultrasound tech looked at it, then she called someone else in to look at it, who then called in a doctor to look at it, who then told me that the placenta has implanted very close to my cervix but is not covering my cervix.  He also said that the placenta does shift during pregnancy so it could go one of two ways.  It could shift further down, which would not be good, or it can shift further up.  The tech then advised me to keep an eye on it…..not quite sure what she meant by that as I cannot see the baby’s placenta.  She also said that I will most likely have another ultrasound at about 32 weeks to see if anything has changed.

I really enjoyed seeing my bundle of joy today!

Thanks for reading my blog.  I will post again soon!

Oh, and for those of you who are dying to know the sex of the baby……it’s a GIRL!!! 😉

2 Weeks to go!!!

So…..I have two more weeks to go and then I will be able to find out if I’m having a boy or a girl.  I can’t wait.  I think we have names picked out.  I mean, I’m pretty sure.  If it’s a boy I am choosing the name and if it’s a girl my husband is choosing a name.  Start praying now that it is a boy because I cannot stand the name that he has picked out.

I’m in my second trimester which is wonderful. I have an amazing amount of energy from 6:30 am til 2:00 pm, I take a nap and then the energy returns until about 8:30 or 9:00 pm.  I have a lot of ideas of things that I need to get done before the baby comes and I know your thinking that I have a long time to go but I am worried that I may not.  ever since I had Daniel so early and so unprepared I am afraid that the same thing will happen again.  I need to finish getting Daniel and the baby’s room ready…..or maybe I should say start getting it ready. 🙂

So, I have a confession.  I’m a little scared about the rest of this pregnancy.  Most of you know that I have struggled with depression before and it has always been pretty bad during parts of my pregnancies and for a time after I’ve had my babies.  And we are coming into a sad time of the year for my family anyways.  In August we would be celebrating my dads 73 birthday. 😦  I miss celebrating that day with him.  Then we have September…….ugh.  What can I say about September?  I had a weird looking freckle removed last September on the 4th, found out it was melanoma on the 10th, and then found out that I had precancerous cells growing on my ovaries on the 19th.  I’m scared of all of the emotions that the next two months are going to bring, especially while being an emotional and somewhat crazy pregnant woman.  I’m also sad that I am bringing another child into this world that will never know what I wonderful Papa he or she had.  My dad loved all of his grandchildren and all of his grandchildren loved him.  We were all very blessed to have him and I am sad that this baby won’t.

On a more happy note, I was able to catch up with a couple of girls that I used to go to school with.  One of the girls used to be one of my best friends in Jr High and part of high school.  It’s been so great talking to her and catching up.  I think she might have been the joy of my week.  I never realized how much I missed her until I started talking to her again. 🙂

I have a somewhat busy week coming up and I have a Drs appt on Wednesday.  Yay!!!

16 weeks and counting

I am 16 weeks  and counting!!!  I hate this period of waiting to find out what I’m having.  I want to know now and I don’t want to wait another four weeks.

I have a million projects to do between now and the time the baby comes.  I have dressers that I want to paint, a bedroom that needs to be painted, and I need to find a place for everything.  The good thing is that my friends are going to throw me my baby shower in September.  I think that is the greatest thing they could have ever thought of.  This way I will have time to get everything together and set up the way I want it.  And I will have time to buy all of the things that I don’t get at the shower.  My friends, they are such smart gals.  😉

I am still having issues with my attitude lately.  I am still snarky and rude and I am still blaming the hormones…..even though I have been off of them for almost 3 weeks.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with the hormones and everything to do with the fact that I am getting away with it.  My friends and family love me and they are putting up with me so I am taking advantage of this.  I am sure that after the baby is born someone is going to slap me……I’ll worry about that later.

I guess I should cut this short now…..my three year old just came up to me and said “mommy, I’m really really sorry for the mess I just made”.  Hmm…….I guess I should go check that out.

<3’s

Vanishing Twin Syndrome

Hello friends!!!  It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything but it’s taken about that long to organize my feelings and thoughts.  So…here we go!

Last week I had a doctors appt and they couldn’t find heartbeats, my doctor told me that she wanted to have an ultrasound done ASAP. I went to the front desk to schedule one and the soonest they had one available was Monday!!!!!! A whole 5 days later!  That was a really long time to wait but I was glad that it was Mother’s Day weekend and my husband was going to be home with me so it would help the time go by faster.  Monday came and my friend Phebe took me to UVA to have my ultrasound done.  That’s when I got the news.  There were two sacks and only one baby.  Apparently there is this thing called “Vanishing Twin Syndrome” and that is what happened to my other baby.  I hated getting that news.  The worst part was that I didn’t know how to feel.  I wanted to mourn the baby that I lost and I wanted to be happy that I still had a beautiful healthy baby growing inside of me.  I didn’t really know where to go from there and how to process my roll in life.  From the moment I knew that I was pregnant with twins I mentally prepared myself for three children in my house.  Yes, it was going to be hard because my house is so small but I also knew that it would be an adventure that not every woman had the chance to experience.  I was scared but I embraced it.  Then, within 5 minutes, my roll changed.  I mean, my roll probably changed the week before but I didn’t know it.  

I’m also sad because I don’t know what I lost. Did I lose a little girl or a little boy?  Was he/she a soccer player or a flute player? Daddy’s girl or mommy’s boy? I don’t know.  But I do know that I have to stand firm in the truth that one day I will know this baby.  I will have a joyous reunion with him or her in heaven and what more can I ask.

I’ve also been released from bed rest, I’m still fighting morning (or all day) sickness, I have a three year old that needs to be potty trained, a kitchen that needs to be reorganized, I’m going to a home school conference next month because I’m going to home school my son, and I’m going to help my sister with VBS next month.  

So, hopefully you will continue to follow me and read all about my adventures of odyssey…I mean life. 😉

Bed Rest…..

My doctor put me on bed rest and it really sucks.  I mean, I am definitely down with doing anything that is going to keep my babies inside of me but it is SO boring.  My friends came over and got my room all “bed rest friendly”.  I have a small fridge, tv, books, magazines, word puzzles, Sudoku, and a Keurig (decaf only).  But it still gets boring.  Every once in a while I go and lay on the couch to get a change of scenery and that helps a little.  I’ve read two books, watched all of Switched at Birth, part of Downton Abbey, and completed 14 Sudoku puzzles. Oh, I also watched all four Screams.  I’m supposed to eat 200 grams of protein a day which is very hard when you don’t do anything all day long.  I eat breakfast because I am hungry at that point but then the rest of the day I just eat because I have to.  Which kind of sucks.  This is the only time in my life that I can eat for three and I can’t!  Go figure!  I have the hardest time sleeping at night.  I fall asleep around 8:30 but then I’m wide awake at 5:30.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to see if my cervix has hardened.  Hopefully it has because I would like to get out of this bed. If it hasn’t, I will be in it an extra two weeks.  Come on 2nd trimester!!!!